I now have bruised hips, knees and arms. With all the looming graveyard shifts coming up and full days ahead, I envision an extremely tiring week ahead before Beijing beckons.
All I could think about today was just how much my heart burns, and how much I hate you for making me feel this way, all over again.
Since you’ve been back you’ve brought me nothing but heartache. I wanted resolve, not war.
Be happy now, my darling, you will hear no more from me.
I know you don’t like confrontations so here goes.
Before you get mad with me for whatever reasons there may be, remember this – my happiness counts too.
I am so tired and maybe you are too, why don’t you just tell me? Why is there so much going on even though we are both silent? Fight it out with me, argue, berate, reprimand, challenge me, I can deal with it, I’d rather deal with it actually. I hate the innuendos, the guessing, the suppositions, it drives me fucking crazy. I’ll say this again. I’d like to have a long-drawn out argument with you. At least we can put our poker faces aside and address the mammoth issues before us.
I know you don’t have time. Neither do I. But I want this resolution enough to make time. So if you’re reading this, and if this matters at all to you, find your heart, put your pride aside and call, email or text me. I’ll be waiting.
Our story isn’t a file of photographs
faces laughing under green leaves
or snowlit doorways, on the verge of driving
away, our story is not about women
victoriously perched on the one
sunny day of the conference,
nor lovers displaying love:
Our story is of moments
when even slow motion moved too fast
for the shutter of the camera:
words that blew our lives apart, like so,
eyes that cut and caught each other,
mime of the operating room
where gas and knives quote each other
moments before the telephone
starts ringing: our story is
how still we stood,
how fast.
Adrienne Rich
This is no great illusion
When I’m with you I’m looking for a ghost
Or invisible reasons
To fall out of love and run screaming from our home
Don’t know if you’ll get this, but yeah – don’t know what I’ll do without you.
In other (very exciting news), HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACH, you’re my superstar.
It’s almost February, I can’t wait.
Then again I look back at January and it’s cringe-worthy. I’m thankful for a lot of things – and yesterday I completed my first o10 resolution. I wonder if it counts though. So much happening in Feb and I’m psyched to be a part of it. I had an amazing time today. In other news, I’m going to try to make a short film.
Sometimes I don’t love you the way I should. Only because you don’t let me. My head aches and my heart burns. I’ve been having very strange dreams of us stuck in capsule instances; us placed, displaced, uprooted in some way. I hate it. Time for bed,
Song of the day, month (year maybe): And Then You by Greg Laswell
